Bananas: The hype could be tastier

It’s Drag night at Bananas. With a few songs here and a few dollars there, my eyes were not distracted by the queens in all their glory. My eyes, however, had met their destination- the menu. And if the costumes hadn’t given me a clue, a quick glance over the options told me that this place was no ordinary diner.

Firstly, you should know that I’ve waited for a while to review this place. Unfortunately, there has been a lot of dramatics (apparent inconsistency of food, service, and customer relations) associated with this restaurant when none were necessary to begin with. So I decided to wait for more than a few months to pass and let things congeal into what they are supposed to be by now.

I carefully ordered the following items and for the following reasons:
1) Beer Battered Onion Rings ($3.99): This appetizer has gained popular status.
2) The Funk Monkey Burger ($9.95): For paying homage to Funky Monkey Wine Company (a sister restaurant) that’s right down the road
3) The Buffalo Chicken Sandwich ($9.90): Because the same batter for the onion rings was going to be coated over the chicken breast. I liked where this was going…
4) Phone Home ($6.99): Wha… a handspun milkshake that’s got part of my blog name? Gotta try it.

The Onion Rings were all they were promised to be- amazing. A tad on the oily side, these rings had a flake-factor that some restaurants would vie for. It’s a recipe worth safe-keeping in a vault. Word is that the beer the use for the rings is Pabst Blue Ribbon! Imagine that.

The continuation of the special fry batter was evident in the Buffalo Chicken Burger. In ordinary circumstances, the chicken breast would have been tossed in buffalo sauce after receiving its crunch coat, but we opted to skip it in order to preserve its crisp couture as much as possible. It was quite good decision and the product lived up to its expectation. I recommend it.

The Funky Monkey Burger was a lesson in unsuccessful execution. All the main ingredients (Angus Beef, Fried Goat Cheese, Tomato Jam, Panko, and Almonds) made sense, but the way they came together was a disappointment. There were two main flaws- the goat cheese was PACKED on with panko. Being a drier tasting cheese, the panko only took it to the extreme. The other problem was the portion size of the tomato jam- a lot more of it would have given this burger the depth it really deserved. These two proved to make the Burger lack juiciness. Additionally, I was asked while ordering how I would’ve liked my beef cooked and I had requested medium. When it arrived, the burger was well done which only made the entrée drier.

The burger comes with your choice of a side- chips, fries, coleslaw, or macaroni salad. Opting for the macaroni salad proved to be the mistake- it was the deadest thing on my tongue. Tremendously bland, I had to jump-start it with quite a few shakes of salt and pepper before it even attained a weak pulse.

These technical errors made me question some previous reviewers- notably Scott Joseph’s. Perhaps being a prominent figure in the Gay community, he was recognized prior to his dining experiences. When identity is known, it is my inference that the probability of a skewed review is high. I, personally, would have written a delightful review of the food if I had experienced the same.

Onto better news, our server spun me up a delicious milkshake made with Vanilla and Chocolate Ice Cream, crushed Reeses Cups, and Yoo-hoo. Utterly sweet and topped with an ultra-generous serving of whipped cream, it was so delicious and so filling. I took what I couldn’t finish home and it held up perfectly in the fridge until the next day. It also happened to be the clincher of the entire experience: think about it- if a drag queen (‘Miss Addison Taylor’) can fix up a shake this good, Bananas definitely serves up a twist (hence, ‘modern’) on an American diner.

IN A NUTSHELL: Go for the onion rings. If you’re a night owl, you’ll appreciate that they are open 24hrs on Friday and Saturday. Your dining experience on those late nights will be paired with a drag queen server who may consider to indulge you in a bombastic lip-sync number. And if you’re coming from the clubs, please don’t take it upon yourself to impress your friends with a ‘Hot Wing Challenge.’ INTENSE is probably a timid suggestion on how inexplicably spicy this sauce is. Delicious, but alarmingly provocative. Not only do you have to sign a medical release form, but you will be suffering the consequences the next morning at the Oval Office (*wink*). And if you’re going for show and a place to see-and-be-seen rather than just a bite to snack on, Bananas definitely meets the expectation. I, however, came for the food and it is my hope that it only gets perfected as this restaurant continues to evolve.

Linda’s Winter Park Diner: Why, Linda, Why?

Linda’s is located on prime real estate right on Fairbanks, yet its food is so saddening. Bland, cheap and made like a roughage stop, Linda’s diner fails reasoning why a diner in a good location for business would succumb to such low standards.

First off, as a “classic” diner, this place only accepts cash. Don’t even think about swiping your plastic over some pre-Cambrian era cash register. Being promptly seated, I ordered the meatloaf with mashed potatoes as a side. The meatloaf was standard and satisfactory but definitely not something to write home about. What I did find objection to was the mashed potatoes- clearly this was powdered, reconstituted crap that you get from a box. Why, Linda, why? For the sake of a few dollars, you really had to stoop to this?

On a positive note, the service was good and well received. Several waitresses checked on us and kept topping-off our iced-tea and coffee. It was appreciated.

IN A NUTSHELL- A definite roughage stop. But you can find tastier roughage stops until Linda takes a hint.

Clarkie’s Breakfast/Lunch Diner: This is dive heaven

Clarkie’s is culinary pulp fiction. This place is on a very visible strip of Orange Ave. just about a mile away from downtown. Yet, you’d pass right by it if you didn’t know better. The sign is grungy and advertises orchids for sale. The restaurant looks like a caged hut that has weathered many hurricanes. Upon entering, you notice the small room with really, REALLY tacky furniture. Trust me, it only gets better from here- Clarkie’s is by far the most strangely enticing brunch stop in Orlando.

I asked for coffee and I got it in a cup advertising the Korean Christian diocese of Orlando. I was still gawking at the dollar-shop décor/crap festooned over the shelves when I ordered a Power Breakfast Special- eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy. Though the food spread was typical of any breakfast joint, the gravy was especially notable. It was perfect; not too thick, not too runny- a golden balance between the two extremes packed with flavor. On a separate occasion I asked the server (apparently the only server at Clarkie’s) to surprise me with anything he recommended. A fresh but modest Rueben sandwich appeared and was quickly devoured. The rye bread was on the thinner side than normal but definitely appended it’s aroma to the meat sandwiched within.

The proprietor, Miss Lee, is a character in her own right. Suspicious and cold at first, she quickly warms up and even pulls a seat to have a conversation with return customers. With her strange propensity to repeatedly check the restrooms (I’m guessing for broke/homeless hiding customers), she also happens to possess a secret delicacy for Korean-savvy people. Just ask for some of her homemade Kimchi- a pickled cabbage condiment/ingredient ubiquitous in Korean cuisine. Her Kimchi is semi-spicy with strong vinegar and fermented notes in between crunchy cabbage leaves. I recommend you try it with any entrée- besides, it’s free.
I was happily tingled with Clarkie’s. I must thank my companion for spotting it in the first place. It only goes to show you that ambiance doesn’t necessarily have to translate into pompous extravagance… it can be ugly-beautiful. And just as awesome.

IN A NUTSHELL- An absurd atmosphere with hearty food for a very cheap bite. Say hello to Miss Lee and appreciate her eccentricities as you dine. This place is so local (even within their own neighborhood), so non-trendy, and so far from pretentious. Go to Clarkie’s for a real bite of local dives.